Many of you may know this astonishing poem by the poet Jack Gilbert in which he argues that we are allowed to—actually have to—feel the whole range of human emotions, especially joy, despite all the suffering in the world. I think this admonition is particularly helpful for those dealing with grief and loss. Sometimes we may worry that laughing is somehow a betrayal of our sorrow, as though we must not truly feel sad if we can laugh, smile, or enjoy a conversation.
This fear of losing our grief, and therefore losing a vital connection with loved ones or the past, can be part of what keeps people from finding grief support that works for them. We’re all different, and sometimes the “rate how you feel on this number scale” approach doesn’t work (it’s definitely not my preferred method).
So I want to reassure you on two points: 1) I am absolutely certain you will feel the emotions of your grief again, even if you go some time laughing and enjoying yourself and not thinking about it much. There is no cure for missing someone/something, because you can bet if there was, some company would find a way to make money on it and you’d hear about it on every virtual street corner. 2) A lot of grief support services have actually shifted from certified therapists to grief support practitioners (sometimes called “grief coaches,” though most avoid that term because of the association of “coach” with health- or job-related work), who offer services that don’t suggest your grief is somehow a disease or “abnormal.”
My own grief support focuses on writing your feelings, exploring and transforming them through imagination using story, metaphor, and more. I’m committed to working with folks in all different financial situations, so if you can’t afford my fees (though the workshops are half price right now!), please contact me and we’ll work something out. I’ve added a tip jar to my site so if you do have the financial ability you can donate, which will help support others.
Please consider signing up for a workshop. I’ve got two people signed up for my “Divorce & Breakups” workshop, and I need at least two more in order to have a group that can provide insight and encouragement under my guidance. If you’re uncertain about whether this might help you, I’m happy to meet with you via zoom to answer any questions: just make an appointment and we can talk informally for 15 minutes. Or use my contact form to ask questions, or just ask them in response to this post, as comments.
Finally, I cannot recommend the Elysium Review, an online magazine of “poetry that engages with the topics and experiences of pleasure, delight, wonder, love, and joy,” enough. I’m lucky enough to have a poem in the current issue, but I’ve been reading the magazine since it started up. We all need more joy.
Love your poem in Elysium Review, Katie!
"The dance floor’s
all play bows and prancing and neck
bites and there ain’t no food table
just big bowls of chicken and sausages
refilling themselves forever."
!!!!!!! ❤️